Who Needs It?

I'm so confused right now, I don't even know what to think.

I send him the letter, my heart spilled out as much as I could. How am I supposed to explain the feeling I get when I see him? How am I supposed to explain how I could barely breathe when I first saw him? How am I supposed to explain how I could barely take my eyes off him? How am I supposed to explain that the moment I saw him, I couldn't even think? How am I supposed to explain that I couldn't bring myself to talk to him until it was nearly too late?

I tried to turn him into a friend. Someone to joke around with. I can barely keep my mind off him. It's impossible. I couldn't think of anything else. I sent him the letter, telling him that the joke I'd carried out was just this really sad attempt at admitting that I liked him. I couldn't tell him that I'd lied, to find a reason to be mad at him. I wanted to be mad at him. I wanted not to like him. I wanted to be his friend. I didn't want to care this much about someone and know it was going to waste. I wanted him. That's it.

I knew it would go to waste. I sent the letter. He obviously got it. A few days later I got a letter back. I looked at the return address and was holding my breath. I was already shaking, and didn't know if I should open it. I set it down on the stairs and walked away. Then less than five minutes later, I decided I would open it, just to get a good glimpse, to see maybe how long it was. If it was important or not. Naturally, I was reading it. I looked at it, and noticed, this was NOT from him. Instead, it was from his little sister, who I had grown to love like a little sister. It wasn't from him. He didn't care. I had spilled out as much of my heart as I could without sounding manic to him, and I receive a letter, not from him, but from his little sister. That's it. I was crushed. Happy at the same time. Happy he didn't send one back telling me about how horrible it was to hear that, how he didn't want to know that, how he hated me. I don't know what he's feeling. This is difficult.

I don't know what to think anymore.